No Laughing Matter
by Interfuge
Summary: Beast Boy copes with some "new conditions" given to him by a Vampiric Kitten, who is trying to destroy the relationship between Starfire and Robin. Batman and Joker featured.
1. GID

_Anyway, I played some video games; then went to the mall for bed shopping._

_I went to some random store that had mattresses, people, and bed frames in it. The owner assisted me. He was kinda funny, and really nice._

_He had green hair, just like mine. He was wearing some funny glasses that old people wear only when they're reading something._

_He liked purple, just like me, and wore a nice purple jacket and green polo shirt underneath._

_His face was freaky, he was Caucasian, but it looked like it was makeup._

_He made a lot of funny jokes._

_He sold me a nice bed. He also gave me some brand of candy that looked tasty, for free. Soy candy. No preservatives, perfect for people with my diet. It had a bunch of laughing mouths on it. It was called "Laugh it up!" candy._

_I met his wife. She was pregnant. Her name was Harley._

_Nothing else really happened that day._

____________________~___________________

"_And, on another matter, Raven's emotions are scrambled. I had to break her special mirror."_

_The ends of his lips plummeted even further down._

"_Then stay out of what I'm going to tell you."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_It was dangerous. Now, with that scenario, it's extremely dangerous."_

"_What was the grim news again?"_

_Nothing could prepare me for what I was about to hear._

_______________________________________________________________________

No Laughing Matter

Hello, everyone.

Beast Boy here, with all the news and 411 on Titan Tower!

Well, let's see: I, being a spaz, randomly kissed Raven, triggering some spiritual mumbo jumbo in which her special mirror had to be broken, releasing her emotions into her FULL BLAST for five days. It's day five, Tuesday.

"Beast Boy! Get IN HERE!"

Yeah, that's Raven being emotionally possessed by my all-time favorite (not): Anger.

With this, I believe, she can do the impossible. With Anger, she can strike fear into the hearts of every mortal being. Oh wait, she does that all the time…

I really hope she didn't hear me say that.

I also really hope that we go out for tacos soon.

And why do boys who try to impress their girlfriends always go buy tampons for their girlfriends?

Okay, I know, that's gross and you didn't want to hear it, but Raven happens to be on her "special time", and I was the lucky soul to go shop for the utilities since they dubbed me "the boyfriend", as her PDABB (Public Displays of Affection to Beast Boy, pronounced "Puh-daab") ratings rocketed. Which leaves me the buyer.

So THANK YOU, _SUPERSTAR MAGAZINE_, for writing that article that diagnoses me with Gender Identity Disorder (GID)! Thank you very much, you lowlifes who warp events into instigations of MASS DESTRUCTION!!

And they even printed it out today, right after some paparazzi flooded me as I walked out of the pharmacy.

"BEAST BOY!"

"Coming!"

"Give me them RIGHT NOW!"

I quickly ran in and tossed her the box, then ran out the room.

"Dang, it HAD to be on the last day!"

"WHAT?"

"Nothing!"

Then, all of a sudden, Cyborg came in the room, looking at me and laughing his guts out, then looking at the familiar magazine and, well…laughing his guts out.

Then he tried to look at me seriously; he put on his 'Samuel L. Jackson' look. I'm sorry, now I _have_ to say it:

"I've had it with these mother(bleep)ing snakes on this mother(bleep)ing plane!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

What was I saying? Oh, yeah.

He put on his serious look. It broke apart instantly, "GENDER INDENTITY DISORDER???!!!??! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA –" and so on.

I just look dismayed, "How did they print those things so fast?"

The android replied, "By making _plenty_ of spelling mistakes."

"Still no excuse."

Right now, as I see it, what I just said…made no sense at all.


	2. Kayaking

_Sorry, everyone! I was on vacation in Missouri with no WI-FI!_

_Here's the second chap!_

_________((:))_________

No Laughing Matter

Kayaking

Dang, where is that little snail? He better hurry up!

Hello, it is Raven, and I'm not well today.

I don't know what to do with the rest of the "Titans", as you call them. They actually called Beast Boy my boyfriend! Where did that come from? Those little pricks. Sorry, I'm not myself today.

First, there's the whole emotion thingy with my mirror and the little spaz sucking my face.

Second, my dairy's lost. I can't write this as an entry, where it would probably be stated more appropriately.

Thirdly, I'm…on my period.

Fourthly, I'm actually beginning to miss Grass-stain.

Okay, Raven, get yourself together. Balance out the negative with some positive so you won't _destroy _the Tower.

Well, I got a new MP4 from some girl named Mortica Deathnote.

Thanks, Mortica, and I read your note with the recommendation. I'll be sure to listen to _The Cure_ when I can.

Eh, Star Fire hasn't been that physical with Robin since she's staring to finish the _Twilight_ series. She told me what's been happening in them.

I still don't see the point in bone-crushing vampire sex. Sorry.

Robin told me that we're going to Missouri soon.

Tell me: what's in Missouri?

"Kayaking."

"So let me get this straight. You want to go to Missouri to _kayak_?"

"Uh-huh. It's really fun, and you're in total control of everything! I think you some total control of yourself around these times, Raven."

"Yeah, I guess. I still don't understand…"

Robin raised his voice, "We're going, that's _final_."

And anyway, _SUPERSTAR MAGAIZINE_ wrote something about Star Fire that was very disgraceful. According to the magazine, she committed bestiality. Those sick bast…I have to refrain from swearing.

Where is he? Augghhh! "BEAST BOY!"

"Coming!"

He's here?

He just tossed me the box, "Dang, it just HAD to be on the last day!"

"WHAT??"

--------------------)===00===(--------------------

"Harley!"

"Yeah, Mr. J?"

"Take the ball out of your shirt and get here!"

"Yes, Jokey?"

"We're going kayaking!"


	3. Tales of a Green Kid Stuck in Missouri

HEY GUYS! SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SUCH A LONG TIME! Well, that's college preparatory high school for you...

You guys, if you really like my stories...you should really use the interesting things known as AUTHOR ALERT and STORY ALERT..just saying...

Alright ladies, it's Beast Boy Time!

I'm going to keep you updated with our random Missouri trip, so I have an announcement to make!

Missouri is so....BORING.

First thing I did when I got here was cover my nose.

Robin lied! Missouri doesn't smell like pizza and Fallout 3! It smells like a non-plastic Chritsmas tree stabbing me in the face!

AND I'M A BEAST!

Seriously, there's something wrong with this place.

Everyone here wears sport wear all the time...they dress like they are always outdoors or something.

I've had a bunch of people point a gun at me from afar, screaming "I got me an alien!"

Well, I should expect such, since I'm green.

Am I starting to talk like Raven? Weird.

I miss tacos.

We are about to go kayaking, and during this ride, Robin keeps on trying to convert me to his superstitions.

"HE'S REAL, Beast Boy!"

"HE is as real as Santa Claus!"

Starfire starting crying, "Santa's is non-existent?"

I blushed, "No, no, um...oh great. Santa's real! My bad...BATMAN IS NOT!"

I couldn't let Starfire cry like that. I don't like it when girls cry. It makes me feel bad.

"Robin, Batman is a FICTIONAL superhero. He resides in Iridium.

Raven started staring at me, "Did Beast Boy just say that?"

I ignored her, "Nothing. Not Real! He was made up to make little kids think that they can be us, superheroes, without powers!"

Oops.

Robin's head was flaming.

"WHAT?!?!??! YOU HAVE TO HAVE POWERS TO FIGHT CRIME????"

"Oops."

I stood quiet for the rest of the trip, flinching, while robin was screaming his head off, ranting at me.

Raven did nothing, Cyborg kept driving, ignoring it all, Starfire was blushing and had her fingers at her lips.

So, after 30 minutes of that:

Cyborg finally announced, "We're here."

"So, this is Jack's Fork?"

"Yep!" Cyborg beamed while Robin I guess was glaring at me from behind with his arms folded.

"Astonishing!" Out of the five of us, only Starfire would say that as a compliment.

I'm hungry.

I need a burrito.

See you later, dudes.

* * *

"DADDY!" she snapped, "Why do we have to go to New Orleans?"

"There is a lot of culture there, sweetheart, you love it!"

"But Spike just asked me to go to the dance with him!"

"I'm sorry, but we have to! No buts!"

"But-"

"No."

"Bu-but.."

"AH-AH! We're going...that's final."

Kitten pouted.


End file.
